A non-resolution New Year - Tucson Local Media: Editorials

A non-resolution New Year

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Posted: Wednesday, December 21, 2011 4:00 am | Updated: 12:09 pm, Wed Jan 18, 2012.

As many of you recall, I stopped making New Year’s resolutions years ago because, 1) I had a propensity for breaking most of them within hours after entering the newly arrived annum, and 2) by the end of the first week of the fresh year I realized I really didn’t give a rip about whether or not any of them came to fruition, so the list was tossed into the trash can and forgotten. This ideology seemed to be a valid stress reducer.

Even so, I’ve had a change of heart, and I decided to give the resolution initiative another try for 2012. Truthfully, it wasn’t my idea; during a high school reunion last summer a classmate goaded me into doing it by offering to share his progress and success if I’d impart mine with him. He felt by corresponding regularly we could keep each other motivated and on track toward successful accomplishment of our foremost resolutions. Initially, I told him, “Sorry, but I swore off the end-of-the-year, 11th hour ritual years ago and have never regretted it.” He immediately sweetened the deal by suggesting a small $10 wager with the winner being the one who managed to complete the greatest number of his resolutions prior to December 31st. We wouldn’t discuss our declarations beforehand and agreed to exchange lists on the afternoon of January 1st via email, so I took him up on his offer. Apparently, he’d forgotten my assiduously serious personality in high school; some things never change. Here’s my list of resolutions for 2012.

1) Continue using my computer throughout each day, and then call my IT tech buddy for remote assistance in repairing the software operations I’d screwed up.  

2) Ensure that procrastination remained an integral part of my life starting sometime in the near future.

3) Disentangle each of my long-standing superstitions and stringently search the Internet for new ones to replace them.

4) Purchase a dummy Bluetooth headset and only use it for talking to myself whenever I’m in public. That’ll be a lot easier than having to actually hold my cell phone and speaking into it when it isn’t turned on.

5) Continue wearing sandals and white socks as often as possible; this one makes my wife so proud.

6) Continue my vow for never voting for more than 10% of incumbent politicians during any election and at any level of bureaucracy. 

7) Shun airports. The only exceptions would be trips that are essential for getting me somewhere quickly because of an emergency situation involving a family member, close friend. One other potential reprieve would be a short duration timeframe required for taking advantage of a travel package won by calling a local radio station or from entering some other type of contest.

8) Remain at home more often waiting for opportunity to knock, ring the doorbell, arrive via Special Delivery postal mail, or receive it in a legitimate email.

9) Refrain from taking all medications having a list of more than 50 potential side effects or those causing memory lapses greater than the ones I’ve been experiencing for years on a daily basis.

10) Avoid going to a restaurant feeling hungry and thirsty or without a discount coupon.

11) Become a devout semi-vegetarian by eating more vegetables and leaner cuts of beef, skinless, baked chicken and heart healthy broiled fish.

12) Succeed in taking at least one nap each day.

13) Make a phone call to an offshore technology support center once per month just to sustain my ongoing comprehension of English when delivered in a variety of foreign dialects and with a poor phone connection.

14) Purchase an item that I don’t need at one of the dollar stores, open the package but don’t use the item, meticulously reseal it and send as a “re-gifting” payback to one of my close friends.

15) Persuade my friend who initiated this stupid contest to forfeit and pay me the $10 prior to the end of the year. No check—just cash.

As you can see there’ll be a lot of really important, self-inflicted objectives on my plate during 2012. However, with my honed capacity for accomplishing many things with a minimal amount of effort I can already envision a crisp ten dollar bill arriving in the mail long before the end of next year. Classmates; gotta love some of ‘em because they just never learn.

Have a Happy New Year—and I’m willing to bet that you will.

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