Craig Grau: Living room playbook - The Explorer: Sports

Craig Grau: Living room playbook

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Posted: Tuesday, September 16, 2008 11:00 pm | Updated: 8:04 am, Thu Mar 24, 2011.

I’m hazarding a guess here.

Had Ted Kaczynski ordered NFL Sunday Ticket, he would have ended up embracing technology — maybe even an electric nacho tray — rather than the poured cement writing slab from where he now mathematically deciphers the Madden Curse.

That same carrot, the joy of 14 Hi-Def games in my own home, could almost lure me into grad school, to dissect differential equations and melt down over the higher calculus that figures into quarterback ratings.

But I feel no need to chase an advanced degree’s income just yet.

Especially when my (future) father-in-law tapped me to wire up his brand-new entertainment system; a testosterous 50-inch LCD and 5.1 channel mix worthy of its own Sunday Hail Marys.

The plan sounded simple enough: Parachute in, pet the dogs, toss some wiring, press a few buttons, kick back and earn a season-length post to watch my Chicago Bears drift along in the Quarterback Sea.

But like preseason projections and Pee Wee playbooks, “quick start” guides lie.

Maybe it’s the translation factor from Asiatic tongues to English instructions that trips up home theater installations like a bad audible. Synchronizing four new devices, and setting one remote control to wield their powers is anything but quick — requiring several black-screen dropouts during kickoffs and challenge replays.

By mid-afternoon, the living room is a mess of boxes, bits of spliced speaker wire and Taco Bell wrappers the dogs carted off during fits of awe and distraction.

And there’s still no sound.

So, back to the manual, a maze of fiber-optic post patterns and curl options that leads to disconnections and swaps for cables entombed in the garage.

When the audio kicks in at full volume, the dogs levitate from the simulated 90-decibel crowd, and run outside.

Of course, there’s no cleanup going on — Man Law allows for settling on the couch among plastic wrappers and discarded batteries until the wrap-up show finishes.

But when it comes to favors, football fans will do anything for family.

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HS Schedule

Tuesday, September 16

Boys Golf (@ 3 p.m.)

Buena, Cienega at Marana

Mountain View, Ironwood Ridge, Catalina at Amphi (Silverbell GC)

Catalina Foothills, Pueblo, Sahuarita at Sahuaro

Girls Volleyball (Fr 4 p.m., JV 5 p.m., Var 6 p.m. unless otherwise noted)

Mountain View at Rio Rico

Ironwood Ridge at Glendale Ironwood

Swimming (@4 p.m.)

Pusch Ridge, Sahuarita at Desert Christian

Wednesday, September 17

Girls Golf (@ 3 p.m.)

Rincon at CDO

Ironwood Ridge, Desert View at Flowing Wells (Silverbell)

Cross Country (@4:30)

Salpointe at Catalina Foothills

Palo Verde, Nogales at Marana

Rincon, St. Gregory at CDO

Sahuarita, Pueblo, Pusch Ridge at Desert View

Girls Volleyball (Fr 4 p.m., JV 5 p.m., Var 6 p.m. unless otherwise noted)

Empire at Marana (4:30, 5:30, 6:30)

CDO at Queen Creek

Cienega at Mountain View

Sahuaro at Catalina Foothills

Walden Grove at Pusch Ridge

Thursday, September 18

Girls Golf

CDO, Ironwood Ridge at Phoenix Aguila Invitational (all day)

Boys Golf

Sahuaro and Salpointe at Ironwood Ridge

CDO, Rincon, Sunnyside at Tucson High

Girls Volleyball (Fr 4 p.m., JV 5 p.m., Var 6 p.m. unless otherwise noted)

Marana at Sahuarita

Ironwood Ridge at Sahuaro (4:30, 5:30, 6:30)

Catalina Foothills at Rincon

Pusch Ridge at San Manuel

Swimming (4 p.m.)

Marana vs. Tucson at Quincy Douglas Pool

Cienega at Marana

CDO, Ironwood Ridge at Amphi

Catalina Foothills at Sahuaro

Freshman Football (all games at 6 p.m. unless otherwise noted)

Flowing Wells at Marana (4 p.m.)

Desert View at Mountain View

Cienega at CDO

Ironwood Ridge at Buena

Catalina Foothills at Sahuarita

JV Football (all games at 6 p.m. unless otherwise noted)

Amphi at Marana

Santa Cruz Valley at Pusch Ridge

Mountain View at Desert View

CDO at Cienega

Buena at Ironwood Ridge

Sahuarita at Catalina Foothills

Friday, September 19

Boys Golf

Catalina Foothills, Ironwood Ridge, CDO, at Phoenix Aguila Invitational (all day)

Cross Country

Mountain View, Ironwood Ridge at Mt. Carmel Invitational (San Diego, CA)

Girls Volleyball

CDO at Westwood Tournament of Champions

Football (@7 p.m.)

Pusch Ridge at Santa Cruz Valley

Catalina at Marana

Desert Vista at Mountain View

Ironwood Ridge at Buena

Cienega at CDO

Catalina Foothills at Sahuarita

Saturday, September 20

Boys Golf

Catalina Foothills, Ironwood Ridge, CDO, at Phoenix Aguila Invitational (all day)

Cross Country

Marana at Old Pueblo Invite(Lincoln Park)

Mountain View at San Diego

Catalina Foothills, CDO at Ojo Rojo (Chandler, AZ)

Swimming

Marana at Wolves Classic (Chandler High)

Girls Volleyball

CDO at Westwood Tournament of Champions

 

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