Vacation season might be wrapping up as children everywhere prepare to head back to school soon. The lucky ones among us, though, might be able to squeeze in one more quick trip. For some, that means air travel. Having completed my fair share of that already this summer, I wanted to share a list of five things you should never do on an airplane. Many of these things seem like common sense, but so does not ironing in your sleep and yet they still have that warning on the box. I am not kidding when I tell you that I’ve witnessed each and every one of these actions taking place on a flight. And so I’m doing what any writer would do and voicing my frustrations in writing for all the world (or my captive Southern Arizona audience, at least) to read. It might be a passive aggressive act, but some things just need to be addressed, don’t you agree?
Dogs, for example. I understand that several airlines now allow dogs to fly in the cabin on the flight. Fine. I’m not thrilled to be sharing recirculated air with the Chihuahua two rows up but fine. I have to draw the line though at people who remove aforementioned Chihuahua from its carrier and proceed to walk it up and down the aisle. Seriously? It’s all just too reminiscent of the buses in developing countries—you know the ones, with the luggage strapped precariously on top and every kind of foul blocking the aisles and spilling out the windows.
Tuna sandwiches. Don’t even get me started on the stinky food people see fit to bring aboard the airplane! What really floors me, though, is when you see the offender casually passing time prior to boarding the flight, saving the stinky food for the plane instead of scarfing it down before boarding. Because surely every single passenger wants to smell your tuna all the way from Orlando to Vegas. Gross.
Lap layers. These are the passengers (usually men, in my experience) who recline their seat as far as possible until they are practically lying in your lap. Lap layers have to be my number one most dreaded fellow passengers.
Seat hogs. Seat hogs are my number two. These are the folks who—clearly—ought to purchase two seats on the flight because their girth cannot be fully accommodated in a single seat. I may be small, but I paid for my whole seat and I’d like to be able to use it, thank you very much.
Porn watchers. I kid you not. Within the confines of a small aluminum tube in which 200+ people are forced to sit knee-to-knee, you really can’t help but notice what might be showing on your neighbor’s iPad screen. Leave the porn at home people. It—and your stinky tuna sandwich—will be waiting for you when you get back.